There Is No Pain You Are Receding

TLdr; It’s mental health awareness month. Are you aware of your mental health? How touring can bring you down. Why I left. Big props to The Roadie Clinic a self care and behavioral health assistance resource for entertainment crews. When you might should hang it up.

As we close out May if you haven’t been able to tell it’s been mental health awareness month. I never noticed before the pandemic any industry specific outreach for mental and behavioral health and self care. I’m sure the pandemic accelerated the need to be more aware of these issues but I can’t recall much traction outside some specific social or age groups.

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As I tell people now that ask if I miss touring that it’s a young person’s game. Young is relative to the circumstance and the age of the one making the judgment. To me young is 50 and under. It’s not so much a career as it is a lifestyle. As one ages and priorities change in life the glitz and glamor for many starts to fade. If it was even there in the first place. To an outsider, or civilian as I call them, this is one of the “fun” jobs free from the pressures and monotony of the daily dredge. If only it were so. In the end it’s a job. A good job but still having the ups and downs of any job.

Eventually this all takes a toll. Even if the person involved denies it. That’s the most dangerous time. Not realizing when you need help or when to hang the lanyard up. It’s when I was living This is Spinal Tap in combination with The Wall. Moments of absurdity coupled with moments of despair and anxiety. I was on the beach in Nice. We’d just done Cannes and Monaco. It was with a legendary jazz singer. He would only work a few times a week so we had plenty of opportunity to take in the sights in places where rock or pop bands didn’t or couldn’t go. Still though that wasn’t enough to offset what I knew were drudgery gigs once I finished this good one. At that point my clients were either dying, retiring or had been relegated to the casino and corndog circuit.

For every good gig it seemed I had two shitty ones. Gigs where it was 5 days on with a submarine ride on the day off to the next gig packed like sardines in the bus. If every gig was like working with Al I might still be doing it. But it wasn’t. To quote Dave Letterman I’d always said I’d tour until I didn’t enjoy it anymore then keep doing it for another 10 years. I’d simply had enough. Better to burnout than to fade away.

Twenty-six years of touring left a mark. It allowed for a lot of great experience and a change to hone my craft at the highest level but with that came baggage. Life altering baggage as it turned out. It was displayed in my attitude and demeanor in ways there weren’t evident to me at the time. Now that I’ve been through it I’ve seen it quite a bit in others. We used to call this grizzled or hardened or cantankerous. It’s the story of the touring crew coming in and being assholes. Some are and would be in any other field. Others have adopted the behavior as a response to the rigors of touring. I’ve since learned the trick is to not get that way in the first place. Easier said than done. There’s someone in my head but it’s not me.

Along with the behavioral and mental aspect there is also the issue of substance abuse. Long ago it was tolerated even condoned in many camps. That’s how it was. Substance abuse is how many people self medicate or escape from the pain and anguish of daily life. The hedonism of the 70s and 80s morphed into the staid corporatism of what many tours are now. It was a big money game then. It’s a really big money game now. Substance abuse is still around though it’s likely to be hidden, or at least thinking it’s hidden, rather than out in the open. Either way it drives the emotional issues which in turn drive the addiction issues in an endless circle.

Until recently it was taboo to ask for help. Or even acknowledge there was a problem in the first place. It was considered weak. An apt juxtaposition would be not seeking medical care after having a heart attack or being diagnosed with cancer as it was seen as being weak. It’s preposterous now to think in those terms. It’s somewhat easier to get treatment now than then though many places have a shortage of treatment programs due to demand.

The good news is there are now crew specific resources available at low or no cost. An excellent example of that is The Roadie Clinic. I found out about them on Linked In. It would have been great to have this resource when I was touring though I’m not sure I would have availed myself to it during my touring days. Founded by Paul and Courtney Klimson in Niles, MI (no stranger to pro audio) the mission is…

The Roadie Clinic exists to empower + heal roadies and their families by providing services and resources tailored to the struggles of the touring lifestyle. 

We are committed to providing a safe space for our community to heal off the road, to advocate for – and empower them to obtain – a healthy work environment while on the road. We intend to grow our network to have a global outreach while our three-story, multi-faceted space will offer therapy, education, advocacy, financial guidance, recovery resources and temporary housing when available. It is our goal that, through donations and partnerships, we will be able to offer our services at no cost to roadies.

I’ve been around the block a time or five and I can’t recall anything like this for entertainment technology crews. Ever. When I took my old man house gig (though I wasn’t quite an old man at the time) I was able to take advantage of programs offered though our insurance. Not having affordable health insurance available for many touring people is an issue in and of itself. The Clinic has resources for getting your prescriptions on tour as well as telemedicine visits and short term counseling. For $45 a month it’s a great deal. They’ll also help you find many other resources for general and behavior wellness as well as virtual 12 step type meetings via Zoom.

So how do you know when to climb out of your bunk for good? That’s going to depend on your particular situation. It’s going to boil down to how you feel. Do you dread getting off the bus in the morning? Are you having panic attacks or has behavior manifested in a way that’s new to you and not healthy. Are you drinking and doing recreational drugs often? All of this not only takes a toll on you but your family as well. Particularly young children. If this sounds like you I’d look to get out sooner rather than later. For example this tour or at least avail yourself of some of the resources available from The Roadie Clinic.

Financially not everyone can come off the road that quickly or in some cases at all. I know when I wanted to come off the road and move to another field without an advanced degree I couldn’t make the kind of money I made touring. Some of us are stuck and we either need to get out of that situation or at least employ some self care methods and be cognizant of how we are doing mentally. My choice was to get a house gig in Vegas.

Several of my contemporaries are no longer with us. Some died from from disease, some from accidents others due to either damage from substance abuse or overdoses. Others took their own lives. The danger is real if you don’t realize how touring impacts you and take time to take care of yourself. I’m glad to see a focus on taking care of ones self. Had we had that in the olden days guys with which I worked like Buffy, Franklin, Kurt, Chris and Keith might still be alive today. Take care of yourself.

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